


Days of Iowa

by markaleen



Category: Who's the Boss?
Genre: F/M, Family, Friendship/Love, Romance, Series Finale, Vignette
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28415313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markaleen/pseuds/markaleen
Summary: Vignettes of Angela's time living in Iowa.
Relationships: Angela Bower/Tony Micelli
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	1. Moving In

**Author's Note:**

> Finally going to try my hand at a multichapter WTB story. I've been mulling over the idea for a couple of months now but I'm not 100% sure how it's going to play out. It will depend on inspiration.
> 
> I'm still not clear on the exact timeline for 'Savor the Veal', I know Angela lives with him for at least a month going by the timestamps in the episode, but it's not clear to me how much more time (if any) has passed between that and the visit from the family. For the sake of this story, she'll be in Iowa for a few months and this will be a collection of different moments during that time. Thoughts, ideas, and feedback are greatly appreciated!

Angela couldn't believe she was heading into the same bedroom as Tony. Sure, it'd happened before - just last night he'd carried her inside, granted, slipping unconscious as soon as she hit the pillow didn't leave room for much awareness. But now it was different. Tonight, her head still aching from what had to have been a potentially lethal dose of medication and alcohol, she didn't see much celebration going on, which somehow made things feel even more real.

Back in Connecticut, they'd made it a point to sleep apart. A great deal of this was for Jonathan's sake as well as Sam's once she and Hank moved in, but also because Tony wanted to keep from crossing too far over the delicate line of ' _living_ together'. Deep-seated guilt ran rampant since the start of their relationship though he'd never put it into those words. She found it endearing, even if he did get on her nerves now and then.

Things changed immensely with the move to Iowa. Sometimes she didn't recognize course he had changed. He had a new career now along with new friends and new surroundings. He was away from all ties of his past and the people who would reinforce his ideals. While he seemed happier than she'd seen him in years, she couldn't ignore the profound difference in him that she wasn't sure she liked. That, and it hurt not being a part of that happiness. He just wasn't her Tony.

Aside from missing him, all of that was the determining factor in her decision to move to Iowa with him. Maybe this strange semblance of himself was the result of being away. Maybe he was nervous or overzealous when she came to town. She didn't know. She only knew that she didn't want to be left behind. She'd been there through his entire college journey and now she wanted to share with him the pride he felt in his new career.

Ideally, she would have liked to have gone through with the wedding as planned. Postponing had been the only option with a move halfway across the country. In any case, neither of them wanted to start their married life apart. They made the right choice for the moment, but now it almost felt strange to be living-living with him before a ceremony. And though she wouldn't admit it, she liked the thought of the security that would come with marriage.

She could survive a year. Less than a year, really. All the better. That's what she kept reminding herself whenever she started to doubt. Leaving Jonathan and her work behind was the most difficult piece. Judging from her visits out to see Tony, she couldn't imagine what she'd do to fill her days. Mere weekends were hard to fill when they wanted to recreate. She wasn't accustomed to eating at the same restaurant repeatedly nor did she find the same romance of the cornfields as Tony seemed to. Then she'd remind herself that was something to worry about later. After all the stress of the past few months, she was actually looking forward to some rest.

"What do you think, Angela?" Tony asked, excitement bursting out of him as he held out his arms showcasing the room.

She looked around, wondering if she'd missed something new in her hungover state this morning. "What is it?" she replied when she couldn't come up with anything.

"This whole place. It's ours now. Look-" he opened two of the dresser drawers, then moved to the closet. "Space for your clothes. And over here," he walked over to the bedside table, "a drawer here as well. I'm working on a bookshelf in the living room and a couple other spaces between there and the kitchen."

Angela smiled, walking over to him, and lightly brushing his arm. "I appreciate it, especially the closet space, but don't trouble yourself too much. I packed lightly. Necessities, you know? Mother and Jonathan can mail anything else I might decide I need."

"Believe me, you'll want the space. You're gonna want some new clothes and maybe some books. You didn't hear it from me, but some of the women here are putting together a cookbook for you and want to teach you some of the dishes."

Dropping her hand and stepping back, she questioned, "They are?"

"As a welcome gift," he nearly giggled. "Isn't it great? Nothing like Connecticut neighbors!"

"Very thoughtful... I just hope they're okay with wasting their time."

"No waste."

"Tony, you know cooking isn't my strength."

"Ah," he said with a wave of his hand, "you'll be a pro in no time. You just didn't have the time to practice before."

She wasn't sure but rolled with it anyway. Stepping closer to him again, she said in a low voice, "I wish you were the one coaching me."

"I'll tutor you on the weekends."

She slid her hands up to his shoulders. "You're all mine on the weekends. It's probably for the better you're not around for cooking lessons. It's bound to get ugly."

"It'd be worth the risk."

She leaned in for a quick kiss. "I wish I wasn't so tired..."

"Aye oh." He pulled back on her hips when she started to move away. "We've got nothing but time now. No kids, mothers, in-laws..."

Angela shuddered at the thought. "We should have thought of this months ago."

Letting go, he said, "To tell you the truth, I sometimes thought about what it might be like if you moved here with me."

"Oh?"

"I never would have asked you. I know how much the agency means to you. Being near the city, too. That's why I was so touched when you suggested it."

She smiled at the memory. He'd nearly cried when he realized she hadn't been joking when all this was decided. "I couldn't stand being apart anymore."

"Me, too. I've made lots of friends here and all, but none of them filled the void."

Another smile. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

With one more tug on her hips, Tony enfolded her in his arms. Angela clung to him, for the first time since he'd moved feeling at ease with him. Gone was the mental hourglass keeping track of the time they had remaining and gone were the distractions of being needed elsewhere. Right here was where she needed to be, safe in his arms and knowing he'd still be there in the morning.


	2. Plans

"I think I might get used to Iowan life sooner than I expected."

Tony leaned back just enough to kiss Angela's forehead, smiling at the sight of her nestled against him. Reality set in as he wrapped his arms more tightly around her. She was really here and she was here to stay.

Today had been a lot better than the previous two. There was still talk about Angela's scene at her welcome party (and likely would be for a while), but at least no one else had asked her along to an AA meeting. Angela had been in much better spirits this morning, roosters aside. She came to breakfast dressed for the day, even hungry for something in addition to her juice and coffee after feeling too queasy to eat much the day before. Tony obliged, making her waffles. This brightened her smile, feeling a semblance of familiarity again. It'd been so long since they shared a quiet morning together. When Tony had visited Connecticut the family flocked to the table to see him (or rather his cooking). When Angela visited Iowa, they were almost always fighting. When they weren't, some other distraction got in the way.

Angela spent a good part of the day getting properly acquainted with the ladies and being presented with the cookbook Tony let slip the night before. She acted surprised, making plans for the next week to make her first dish. They took her around the school grounds and around town. There wasn't much to see, but Angela was stunned by how little attention she'd paid to her surroundings when visiting before. Of course, she never left Tony's side. If he wasn't around she saw no reason to acclimate. She was still calling it 'Idaho'.

Time passed quickly before classes were over for the day. Angela was sure to be back at the apartment to greet Tony when he came home. Her heart sank when Ned had come through the door with him, but thrilled when Tony insisted he wanted to spend an evening alone with her. She bore the suggestive hurrahs being thrown Tony's way, but with a roll of her eyes could shake off the twinge of embarrassment. After her drunken entrance to the party the other night, it would take a lot to feel truly humiliated again.

It had been the most romantic evening they shared since before graduation. Tony surprised her with homemade spaghetti and meatballs, simple yet delicious. For dessert, they made a cake together given she hadn't had a chance to have a slice at the party. Though they'd baked several things together since then, Angela couldn't help but reminisce, thinking about the first time they attempted to make a cake together for her birthday. She forwent throwing flour around, not wanting to waste any more time cleaning than was necessary, however, she caught him off guard when she spun him around and seared him with a kiss. The cake turned out all right despite the many distractions that followed, but as soon as it was out of the oven, it was left unfrosted and forgotten.

"You ever think we'd end up like this one day?" Tony asked as he leaned his head back against the pillows.

"I'd hoped," she hummed.

"I mean, living alone together someplace so different and away from our family."

"No," she chuckled. "That thought never crossed my mind. At least not the part away from Connecticut. I knew someday the kids would be off on their own, though, I think Mother is here to stay."

"I couldn't ask for a better Mother-in-Law."

Opening her eyes and sitting up a bit, Angela rested against her elbow. "Speaking of which, we still need to figure out the new wedding plans."

"I thought you wanted to wait until my contract is up?" Tony questioned.

"That was before I moved out here with you. It didn't make sense to get married then be separated for a year. Now that we're together and living like we're married maybe we should think about having it sooner."

"Without our friends and family?"

"We could fly back home for it. None of the arrangements need to be changed, just the date. Then we come back here for our honeymoon… though I am all for a second honeymoon once school's over. Just like we planned." She leaned down and pecked his lips.

"I dunno, Angela…"

She frowned. "You still want to get married, don't you?"

"Of course I do!" he quickly corrected, taking hold of the hand that had been resting on his chest. "I love you. We'll be married someday. Soon."

"But…?"

Tony sighed. "There's just so much goin' on, Angela. We've been running back and forth so much and now we finally have some time to breathe. I can't be thinking of classes and wedding plans at the same time."

"I can take over from here. I have time now. And like I said, the arrangements are pretty much settled. We just need the date and the church."

"It's not just the planning. Everything will be so rushed. That's still not how I want to start a life with you. We waited so long. You've only been here a couple of days — not that it hasn't been wonderful — but after eight years of one routine, we need to see how we adjust to a new one. Things have changed so much and so quickly this past year. I don't want to risk messing this up."

Angela moved to lay on her back, not able to find the words for an appropriate response just yet.

When several minutes had passed in silence, Tony turned his head. Seeing she hadn't fallen asleep, he said, "You're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you."

"Upset, then."

She lightly shook her head. "I don't know."

Turning on his side, he draped his arm over her stomach, pulling her close to his side as she had been before. "I know all this has thrown you for a loop. It's been weird for me, too. I just think we need to get settled here together first. There's a lot of pressure on me to get the team into shape and win. What if I marry you and we lose. You'll be a widow while you're still a newlywed."

"I don't think they _really_ killed the other guy." She hoped, anyway.

"I'm not taking any chances."

"So... we'll get married in the summer then?"

"I think it's best."

Stifling her disappointment as much as she could, she said, "I guess we've waited this long, a few more months won't hurt. At least we're together."

Tony kissed her cheek. "It will be beautiful. And that way neither of us will have to work through our honeymoon..."

"I do like that thought... but do we still want to go to the tropics? The heat will be unbearable that time of year."

"I didn't think of that."

Hand back on his chest, Angela said, "We'll find someplace else. Maybe Italy? It was so beautiful when we went but we didn't get to properly enjoy it."

"Hmm... not a bad idea..."

She smiled. "Yeah?"

Reciprocating, he said, "Two weeks minimum. We'll go to all the romantic spots and do it up right. Florence, Rome, Venice…"

"Assuming I let you out of our hotel room, that is."

As she started kissing his neck, Tony said already melting beneath her, "I think I'm gonna like married life."


	3. Cooking Lesson

The first cooking lesson went about as expected, though, Angela was pleased with the final result. Cooking with Tony would have been more fun, as she'd said to him many times since the initial conversation, but she was also glad he hadn't had to witness the fire she nearly started when browning the flour for the gravy (and the meltdown that followed). She'd been easy to tears since her arrival which frustrated her beyond belief. Just when she thought she was getting a hold of herself, something like smoking flour set her off again. Tony was patient, at least. The girls? Not so much.

"It's all right, Angela," Candy and Rosie took turns saying through their coughs.

"Nothing to get so upset over."

"Chicken doesn't need gravy."

"Tony isn't going to notice it's missing."

"Looks like you're not accustomed to those kinds of foods anyway. So thin!"

Angela hadn't felt so scrutinized since her last visit to Brooklyn. Comments like that would have bothered her more a few years ago. Now she was more concerned about airing out the apartment. No wonder Tony likes it here, she thought.

By the time Tony was finished with his classes, Angela cheered up. The chicken looked good and not too dry thanks to Candy's watchful eye. And the vegetables she managed all on her own once Rosie gave her some pointers on how to properly hold the knife. They made little effort to hide their exhaustion. Their plans for bowling the next day were still on, so Angela took comfort in knowing she hadn't driven them away. Best of all, Tony said her meal was delicious.

"It's a great life, isn't it?"

"Yup."

She wasn't lying. It was nice. Sometimes she wondered what she missed out on by choosing a career over a traditional lifestyle. Not all women were fortunate enough to be able to make the choice. They had to work. They didn't have the privilege of choosing a career they loved. They had to work dead-end jobs for the food that they also had to prepare after a long day. Other women, like a lot of the Brooklyn wives she'd met over the years, very much had the choice. Perhaps if she'd gone the route of pregnancy on top of pregnancy she would have felt differently. Michael didn't stick around long enough to put that theory to the test. Nevertheless, she didn't regret any of her choices. After all, she wouldn't have met Tony if not for being too busy to take care of the house and needed someone to be around for Jonathan when he got home from school. It was hard to believe how much had changed since those days. When she hired Tony, she never could have pictured he would bring her to Iowa and convince her to explore those traditional ideals she'd fought so hard to escape. She wouldn't have done it for anyone else.

She had missed some things, she discovered. The satisfaction of cooking a proper meal, watching someone she loves enjoying it. Taking a breather and not feeling the pressures of clients and their expectations. Chores were split, Tony too much of a perfectionist to relinquish all responsibility. Painting was a good creative outlet now that she was away from the art of advertising. A long-forgotten hobby of her youth. She only wished Jonathan could be here, though at his age it didn't matter if she was here to greet him after school. He didn't seem to care at all that she would a thousand miles away. She hoped it was his age and not because she hadn't been available enough to him growing up that she didn't make a difference. Then again, he gave Tony the same brush off when he took the job and he was more his father than Michael.

Regardless, Angela called home every night, both Mona and Jonathan telling her it wasn't necessary to check-in. Samantha was more sympathetic when she answered. Angela knew, while she'd never admit it, Sam missed her father. At least she had Hank and school to keep her distracted. Angela had to settle for cooking lessons, bowling tournaments, painting, and knitting. When homesickness crept in, she went for a run and reminded herself she only had to wait two more weeks before she flew home for a weekend visit. It was planned mostly as a check-up on the agency to make sure things were going smoothly in her absence, but with no other trips planned, she intended to make the most of it. She just hoped it didn't come with the same problems as her visits with Tony.


	4. Bowling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to hartkins and silvermissstt for helping me with this chapter!

Angela was no better at bowling than she was at cooking. She had no desire to learn, either. Being able to cook a meal for herself (that didn't come out of a box or the freezer) was something she always aspired to learn. A life skill. Nothing wasted. She enjoyed the cooking process, too, though most of that could be accredited to Tony. Bowling was a skill she never needed to learn. Frivolous and unrelated to anything else in her life. Tony and Samantha had dragged her to the lanes a few times when they first moved to Connecticut. That was fine and served as a good night out for the family. Did she like the sport itself? Not particularly. She couldn't say she missed trading in bowling shoes for concert tickets. Now, she was in a bowling alley without Tony and the kids and was being issued her own shirt and shoes. It felt like a parallel universe.

"You just have to get a feel for the ball," Rosie said, showing Angela the proper way to use the finger holes. "Soon enough you'll build up the muscles you need."

"What happened to those wall things?" Angela questioned.

"Wall things?"

"You know, those things they put up along the sides so it won't fall into the gutter?"

Raising an eyebrow, Rosie replied, "You mean the bumpers they use for the little kids?"

With a blush, she nodded.

"They don't let the adults use 'em," another woman chimed in from her seat.

"Oh." Despite knowing it did little to redeem herself, Angela said, "The last time I bowled it was with Tony and the kids when they were younger."

"Just try again. Don't try too hard to roll it down the middle. Work from the sides inward. Right down the middle will make a split. Too far to the side and it goes in the gutter. Remember: the arrows are your guides."

She gave it her best try but still rolled another gutter-ball.

"Are you sure you want me on your team?"

The look in the ladies' eyes told her no, but they lied through their teeth. "Of course we do!"

"Why?" she challenged.

Barbra, the wife of another professor, answered. "It means a lot to Tony."

Angela wasn't surprised, shrugging her shoulders in response. It also didn't surprise her how quickly Tony had made a name for himself in this town. Everyone adored him, students, faculty, and townspeople alike. He made friends wherever he went, she learned that as soon as he moved to Connecticut. She only wished she could, too. When it came down to it, invitations were only being extended to her for Tony's sake. He was her only confidante here and there was so much she couldn't say to him. She refused to burden him when doubt started creeping in. Like now, sitting uncomfortably in a bowling alley with virtual strangers who were only being nice to her because she was Professor Tony Micelli's fiance.

Professor Micelli… Phrasing his name that way brought out a smile. Reminding herself how proud she was of him made it easier to set aside her problems. This was your decision, she told herself. Maybe, as Mona might have put it, this was just another one of her 'geek flashbacks'. Though Iowa might as well be a whole other country, and though she wouldn't be here forever, she desperately wanted to fit in.

. . .

"Hiya, sweetheart!"

Angela smiled when she was greeted by Tony's boyish grin and sing-song voice — things that used to be an everyday occurrence. It was only when the combination surfaced she realized that she hadn't seen it so much the past year or two.

"Hey there," she replied.

"What's the score?"

"… is there a game on?"

Tony chuckled. "No, I mean your bowling score."

"Oh! Um… nothing you'd be proud of."

"Ah, come on."

"… thirty-four."

Feigning optimism, he said, "Hey, it's a start!"

Stepping past him, desperately wanting to shower and wash the stench of the alley out of her hair, she said, "I'm going to let them all down. The girls think I was just nervous today. How do I tell them that's as good as it gets?"

"It takes practice," he said following her into the bedroom. "You do seem a bit tense."

"Those balls are heavy."

"You'll build up the muscle."

"That's what Rosie said."

"See? Don't worry about it."

Angela rummaged through the dresser for her pajamas, glad for once there was so little around to do and wouldn't be expected to leave the apartment for the rest of the evening.

"You sure that's all?" Tony asked, sitting on the edge of the bed as he watched her.

She nodded. "Still getting used to a new routine."

"It's been a week."

Turning around to face him, she said, "That's not too long. You know how set in my ways I am. I don't think I can adjust as quickly as you have."

"So I take it you're not up for listening to my new country album during dinner then?"

"Please, no." She tried not to look too panicked.

Tony laughed. "I'm teasing. How about Sinatra?"

Angela breathed, "Ah, old familiar blue eyes."

Standing up, he walked over to her, stopping to kiss her cheek. "The homesickness will wear off soon."

"Am I that obvious?"

He shrugged. "Easy enough to assume. I was homesick my first month here. But now? If not for Sam, Jonathan, and Mona, I don't think I'd look back at all."

"You don't miss Brooklyn?" she asked with surprise. "Your friends?"

"Of course I miss them, but you outgrow people sometimes. I'll meet up with them next time I'm near the city, but I can't hang back because they're stuck in one place."

Angela nodded, the sick feeling in her stomach getting stronger. "Well..." she said after a minute. "I'm going to shower before we eat."

Squeezing her arm, Tony said, "All right. Will be just about done by then."

Holding her pajamas tightly against her, she asked, "We are staying in tonight, aren't we?"

"I didn't have anything planned. Did you wanna go somewhere? On a walk?"

"Nah," she said, taking her bathrobe off the closet door hook. "I'm looking forward to a cozy night in."

With a grin, he said, "That can be arranged."


	5. Knitting

"Tony, look! I finished it!"

Swiveling around in his desk chair, Tony reached out and touched the blanket Angela was holding in front of her. "Hey, it looks great!"

"I can't believe it. I made something with my own two hands. I mean, something like this. Something we can use every day."

"I'm proud of you, baby," he sang.

"I can't wait to show the girls. They'll see I'm not a completely hopeless case."

Rolling his eyes, he said, "You gotta stop being so hard on yourself."

"I know, I know…"

Not wanting to distract him from correcting papers any longer, Angela went back over to the couch and spread the Afghan out to admire it herself. Finally, she found a knack. It wasn't flawless, but the mistakes were only noticeable to her or to someone who took the time to scrutinize every stitch. Already she had ideas for which pattern to try next. Maybe she'd crochet this time? Barbra had given her a book of patterns recently and they were calling her name.

She wasted no time. Grabbing the book from her shelf, she then snuggled under her creation and started flipping through the pages, dog-earring the patterns she wanted to try first. She made a note to herself to ask Candy for some advice before blindly picking up a hook and yarn. Then again, she'd managed this one mostly on her own. Maybe she was underestimating herself.

Tony didn't stay focused on his papers for long. Angela had been so quiet he had to look behind him to see if she was still in the room. The sight warmed his heart; Angela lost in the massive afghan and a soft smile on her face as she planned her next project. He'd been worried about her the past couple of weeks. She wasn't necessarily stressed, but there was something different about her. Over the years he'd witnessed just about all of her moods, however, her recent demeanor was new. She admitted her homesickness. That had to be part of it. But she only mentioned it when he brought it up first. Seeing her now bundled up and beaming with pride, dressed in denim and plaid, everything felt right. She was finally content.

Angela caught him staring when she looked up, noticing she hadn't heard the scribble of his pen for a while. Her smile widened.

"What is it?"

Tony answered, "Nothin'. You look cute."

His compliments would always make her blush. "So do you."

"How invested are you in that book?" he asked innocently, though the look in his eyes said otherwise.

Angela chuckled. "Not very, but don't you have work to do?"

He was at her side before she finished speaking. "The kids can wait another day for their grades. Wendell sure can."

Giving him a quick kiss, she smirked, "Well then, how can I say no?"

"Have I mentioned how much I love having you here?"

Angela responded by kissing him again, taking half of the afghan and covering him over. She snuggled closer to him as he deepened the kiss. Moments like this, it was easy to love living here as well.

As time went on, she realized just how inhibited their relationship had been up to now. Being alone allowed them to make sense of their relationship in a way they'd been denied. The physical element aside, she was discovering nuances living alone with him she'd never noticed before. There were few distractions. When they argued they were forced to deal with it right away without putting it aside for the kids' sake or even Mona's. When they were in a good mood there wasn't the threat of someone else's problems bringing them down.

Intimacy had in some ways heightened during their early commutes knowing that their time would be short-lived. There hadn't been enough time to look past the passion to work on any sort of foundation. Either they were all over each other or angry without much in between. Day to day living had done wonders. It made her wish they'd had a chance like this when they first got together. Looking back, she realized how much they missed out on trying to put on airs for everyone else. _No more_. She took comfort in the thought. There was freedom here. No, Iowan life wasn't her ideal, but being with Tony made everything okay.


	6. Countdown

_Two more days._

_Two more days and I'll be home._

It'd been a rough week for Angela. Monday started off with a small kitchen fire having forgotten to turn the stove off and leaving a dishtowel too close to the burner. If not for Tony's quick reflexes it could have been a disaster. The rest of her morning was dedicated to airing out the apartment and cleaning up. She hadn't had five minutes to rest when Rosie came over for lunch. Plans had completely slipped Angela's mind, forcing her to admit she wasn't prepared and was in little mood to prepare anything that required heat.

"You and stovetops," Rosie said, mildly amused.

It was a better response than Tony's reprimand, but she wasn't ready to joke about it yet.

Tuesday was no better. Flames were absent, at least, but Tony was on edge with only one more practice before a big game. His temper was short and Angela found it more difficult not to cross paths being the only one around in a three-room place. He snapped easily, leaving Angela to be glad when he left for class and knew he wouldn't be home until later that night. Unfortunately for her, Tuesday was also a bowling night. While it was nice to get out of the apartment, she didn't consider jeering from her own teammates to be a great source of recreation. The night would have been a total waste of energy had it not been for making her first spare.

Tony was asleep by the time she got home. Though relieved given his earlier mood, she was disappointed not being able to tell him of her achievement. She had to laugh at the thought. She used to wake him up to tell him when she landed a multi-million dollar account. Now the best news she had to offer was hitting some pins with a ball. The only reason she felt any excitement about it was knowing Tony would be pleased.

By Wednesday morning, she didn't bother to share her 'news'. Tony was in better spirits which was good enough. Practice had gone well and tonight she'd be in the stadium cheering him on.

"I can't wait for you to see the time in action," Tony chattered between spoonfuls of cereal. "I was getting a bit worried, we still have some weak spots, but the team is banding together. They want to win as much as I do."

"I'm looking forward to it," she smiled.

The game went well, even if Tony thought they should have won by more points. Angela enjoyed seeing him out there with the team. She could almost feel his joy radiating into the bleachers. It was the first moment all week she felt the tension in her shoulders ease. Tony was good with those kids. It made her wonder what he had been like when he was the one playing the game. A couple of reunion games didn't give her the full picture. If not for Marie, she'd wish she could have known him in his Cardinals days.

Now it was Thursday and she was thrown back into the reality of her week. With this game out of the way, Tony's focus shifted back to classwork. The day had been uneventful but boring. Another test coming up on Friday meant Angela had to keep out of Tony's way when he came home in the afternoon. She cooked dinner, braving the stove and cooking a stir-fry, called him to the table, and ate in relative silence as he mulled over early American history. Once the dishes were clean she was off to another night in the bowling alley. Given this was her last night with Tony before leaving for Connecticut, she was tempted to call the others and say she couldn't make it. Pointless, she decided, so long as Tony was buried in his books.

"You seem even more distracted tonight than usual."

Angela looked at this woman Carrie as she sat down beside her and shrugged. "I'm going back east for the weekend. Trying to make sure I remembered to pack everything I need."

"What time's your flight?"

"A little after seven."

"In the morning? And you're here instead of resting up?" the woman questioned.

"Tony's putting a test together," Angela answered. "Figured I'd get out of his hair."

"You're incredible," was the reply.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You really love him."

"Of course I do," Angela said, still confused.

"I mean, you move all this way for him, give up your career, you're bowling with us even though it's clear to anyone paying attention how much you hate it, you start this whole new life… I don't think I could've done that for my fiance. Heck, I don't know if I could do it now after more than twenty years of marriage." Noticing how wide Angela's eyes had become, she added, "Don't look so surprised. Information travels fast around here."

It took her a moment before she could respond. "Tony and I… we've had an interesting relationship from the start. No, not interesting. Different."

"Doesn't surprise me."

"He's done so much for me over the years. Finally I'm able to do something for him. And he's letting me." Angela shifted uncomfortably in her seat, not quite sure why she was trying to explain things to someone she'd only spoken to two or three times before. "I'm still adjusting but I'm getting there. It will be good to be home for a couple of days."

"Well," Carrie grinned, patting Angela's knee, "we're glad to have you both here. My son is on his team and speaks wonders about him. His grades have been improving, too."

"I'm glad to hear it!"

Again, it was these little reminders that kept her pushing forward. Tony was happy. He was helping these kids. He was making everyone around him happier. Doing something for him did feel good. Despite the hardships, she was just as determined to make this job work for him as she had when airport security found his smuggled nameplate. The hurt of that moment would never dissipate. He'd tried to hide it from her, worst of all her above anyone else, like he was ashamed to admit he wanted something for himself. She refused to let it happen again. He would have been honest with her a few years ago. Being in a relationship should have brought him to her sooner. She'd forever be grateful for the metal detector. Had it not gone off, they'd be back home and married, which was what she still wanted if she was being honest, but not if it meant Tony would have been miserable beneath it all.

All of this in mind, she stepped up to the lane when her name flashed on the screen. She didn't have another spare to bring home tonight, but she'd only thrown a gutter-ball twice.

"A new record!" Barbara joked.

. . .

"What're you doing up?" Angela asked as she entered the apartment, surprised to see the living room light on and Tony sitting on the couch. She hadn't come right home. A couple of the girls hung back at the bar and she'd decided to join him. Drinking beer brought her back to Tony's poker nights. Hard to believe that man was the same one she knew now. If she walked into the kitchen one morning to see a cloud of cigar smoke and the smell of stale alcohol nowadays she'd think something was wrong — especially how her own drunken episode almost led to an intervention. Beer was all right for a poker night and perhaps more appropriate than wine after a bowling match, though it was still her preference. She'd brought enough attention to herself for one evening and opted to go with the majority. At least it didn't go to her head the same way as wine. She had to be careful about that, apparently.

"Of course!" Tony replied, almost offended by the question. "I won't see you all weekend. I want to say goodbye."

Dropping her bag by the door, she joined him on the couch. "You'll see me in the morning."

"That's not the kind of goodbye I meant."

She chuckled.

"But really, I hope you have a good trip. Call me and let me know how things are going with the agency?"

Her heart leaped. "Absolutely."

"And let me know how Samantha is. Make sure she's keeping up her grades. Hank, too. Or how his puppets are doing. Can't keep up with that kid."

"I will."

"And give Jonathan a hug for me. I'm glad to have one kid who I don't have to worry about academically."

"I assure you he will be suffocated with hugs by the time I leave on Sunday."

"Good."

"So," she started, "did you finish your test?"

"Yep. I think the kids will do good. The last one was a doozy so I decided to go easy."

It was her turn to say, "Good," before standing up and taking and tugging on his hand. "We can say goodbye now."


	7. Retreat

_Home_ , Angela thought as the plane landed in Connecticut. She made it through her first few weeks in Iowa. This was her reward: being able to smother her son in hugs and kisses and catch up on the latest gossip with Mona. So long as she could retreat to her old life now and then, Iowa no longer phased her.

She went straight from the airport to the office. After a month of doing nothing, it felt wonderful being back in the world of ringing phones, charts and figures, and familiar faces. Even Mona was doing her job thoroughly, almost feeling guilty that she was here doing her job while she was off lounging around the apartment all day. There'd been a few minor but expected setbacks with her departure and came up with resolution plans should any of the clients decide to walk. Her staff was glad to have her around again, pleased when she said they'd done an excellent job in her absence.

Going home later that evening had been the perfect ending to her day, so thrilled when Jonathan greeted her with a hug after weeks of indifference to her. Samantha and Hank prepared a wonderful welcome home dinner and, minus Tony's absence, everything felt like old times. She followed through with her promises to Tony, keeping tabs and how Samantha and Hank were doing as well as giving more hugs and kisses to Jonathan. Though she was sure by Sunday he'd be ready for her to leave again, she was glad to see a glimpse of the little boy he used to be, happy to see his mother.

The weekend went by far too quickly, catching up with friends, indulging in a Manhattan shopping spree with Mona and Sam, and sleeping in her own bed. While she did miss having Tony beside her at night, she realized how badly she needed some time to herself. A break from the snoring and the fear of waking him up those restless nights where she couldn't lay still for more than a few minutes at a time. Familiarity was the greatest aspect of the trip. It took no effort to fall back into her old routine as fleeting as it may be.

She kept her bargain to call Tony every night. She did miss him despite how wonderful it felt to be away from the small apartment and strangers. So much of her wanted to ask him to hop on the next flight to New York and stay a night but knew better of it. She couldn't let him know how glad she was to be back in Connecticut. All enthusiasm was placed on being able to see the family again, knowing he wouldn't judge her for missing them. He sent his love, Angela wondering if the difference in his voice was loneliness or suspicion. She put it out of her mind as best she could, determined to leave the last month of apprehension behind when she boarded the plane again.

And she did. For the most part. A long talk with Mona helped in her resolve.

"Are you happy there?" Mona asked while Angela was packing.

"Sure I am."

"You don't seem it."

Angela sighed. "I'm happy being with Tony."

"Are you sure that's enough?"

"How can you say that? You've wanted Tony and me together more than anyone."

"I still do," she said as she sat down on the bed beside the suitcase. "But I never expected you to give up everything you've worked for your entire life for a man."

"If he were anyone else I wouldn't have. He's Tony. He's given up the last nine years of his life for Samantha and Jonathan and the both of us. It's his turn."

Mona listened, though didn't have much to say in response.

Angela continued. "Besides, it's not going to go on forever. With Wells on his resume, he's sure to get a job nearby. If not in Connecticut maybe New York or somewhere else in New England. That would be better than the Midwest."

Mona nodded, taking a moment before she said, "And you think Tony will be happy coming home? You said yourself you've never seen him so happy."

She shrugged, busying herself by folding clothes. "I'm sure a part of him will miss the place. But he also says he's looking forward to us finally getting married. Things have been so wonderful in that sense. Did I tell you we've decided to go to Italy for the honeymoon? Two or three weeks over the summer. I can hardly wait!"

"I'm glad you two are still talking about it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," Mona started, "I was getting worried you were going to keep putting it off."

Angela rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry, Mother, but you are the last parent who can judge—"

"I don't mean that," she interrupted. "I mean for your sake. I know marriage has been on your mind well before you two finally got it together. Even when the thought scared you. I don't want to see you get hurt again."

Angela fought back tears. Of course she would choose now to drop the jokes and speak from the heart. "Thank you…"

"You have a history of not speaking your mind with Tony. Don't let that get in the way again."

She kept quiet, going back to filling her suitcase with outfits she'd left behind during the move. Pointless, she knew, as there was little need for business suits anymore. Seeing them around reminded her of New York and Connecticut, though. If she couldn't be here, she could at least see them hanging in the closet, maybe put one on once in a while when she felt sick of denim.

Though her mother's concern meant a lot, she didn't feel it fair to compare this situation with others. Was she being completely honest with Tony? No. And she felt bad about it but it wouldn't serve any purpose other than putting a wedge between them. Nothing could be done unless they wanted to go back to rushed and stressful weekends and paying through the nose for airfare. Things were better this way. That was the truth and she reiterated it aloud to Mona. Sure, she had her moments when she felt isolated and bored, but those troubles almost always melted away when Tony came through the door. This was the life she dreamed of all these years and she finally had it. Nothing about their relationship — working, platonic, romantic — had been perfect. Why start now?

Things felt right at the end of the day. That's what she held onto as she boarded the plane for Iowa. With this, the realization hit her that she was trying too hard to maintain herself. She was Angela Bower of Connecticut. Of course she stood out. Of course those women either condescended or looked intimidated. She resisted acclamation even when she put on that tacky bowling shirt and spent an afternoon baking a pie. She had to become Angela Micelli of Iowa, even if she wasn't yet Micelli in name.

Homesickness came with the fixation on Oak Hills Drive. _No more_ , she resolved. She was going to make Tony as proud of her as she was of him. Suddenly she regretted packing those business suits. She'd send them back to Mona tomorrow along with other smuggled luxuries. She could do it. She could become an Iowan housewife. She'd do a good job, too. Once his year was up she was free to be Angela Bower again, more or less. Perhaps this was a necessary learning experience for her. Realistically, she'd have to share household responsibilities when she and Tony were married. Cooking dinner didn't intimidate her now, nor did mending or even cleaning the drains. It was almost like being at school again. It certainly felt like it at times. _Wanting to fit in, to be accepted, feeling inferior..._

She didn't see a transformation happening overnight, but she'd work at it — better than she had up to now. She'd keep her sights on Tony and the rest would fall into place.


	8. Welcome Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait for a short chapter! I promise the next one will be longer. Figured I'd squeeze in another fluffy chapter. Thank you so much for the outpouring of support!

Angela flung her arms around Tony as soon as she saw him waiting for her at the gate. It was funny that this was one of the more successful greetings than when they'd been commuting.

"I missed you," he said, kissing her cheek.

"I missed you, too. Everyone sends their love."

The drive home was surprisingly quiet. Angela had explained most of her trip over phone calls and with her new resolution thought it better not to delve too deeply into her enjoyment of the weekend. Tony asked a few questions, to which she answered with as few words as possible. The silence was comfortable, both content just sitting next to each other after a few days apart.

Back at the apartment, Angela was surprised to see a romantic dinner set up. Tony lit the candles while she hid her suitcase to be dealt with in the morning. Understanding now why he was more dressed up, she slipped on a dress before rejoining him in the living room. He was making it easy to forget the challenges she'd face tomorrow. For one more night, she could be Angela Bower.

"That trip did you good," Tony said as he gazed at her from across the table.

"Hmm?"

"You seem more relaxed."

Angela shrugged. "Suppose I am. This was a lovely surprise. We haven't dined by candlelight since our first official date."

"Fortunately, things went much smoother this time."

"I'll say!"

He smiled, saying to her again, "I missed you this weekend."

"I missed you, too."

"When's your next trip?"

"I don't have one planned," she answered. "Everyone will be flying out in a couple of months."

"You sure you're okay being away from the office that long?"

She chuckled. "Turns out they don't really need me. A couple of the clients aren't thrilled with the delegation but nothing I need to worry about right now."

"I'm amazed."

"Why? You know I have a good staff."

"No," he corrected, "I mean I'm amazed by you. I know I've said this already, but I never thought I'd see you give up the office so easily."

Carefully, she replied, "I wouldn't say it's been easy. My priorities are different now, that's all. It was good to check in at home and put my mind at ease. Everything is fine. Jonathan and Mother are fine as are Samantha and Hank." Reaching across the table she took his hands. "Now I can focus on us."

"I just feel bad I've been so focused on the team and everything lately. And all the tests. My least favorite part."

"It's no different than when I was working on a new campaign. I don't expect you to spend every minute of every day with me."

"I know," he said, an eyebrow slightly raised, "but I wanna."

"Soon enough." She then smiled. "Have I told you how proud I am of you?"

"Only about a hundred times," he teased.

"So not enough, then."

A lull fell over the conversation, Tony taking this opportunity to clean up their now empty dishes. Angela leaned back in her seat realizing how tired she was. Though she had enjoyed being back in her own room immensely, her sleep wasn't much better. She'd gotten used to having him beside her — snoring and all. She hadn't realized how much she missed having a companion. Her life with and marriage to Michael had become a blur over the years. It was different with Tony, too. Even if she was slipping into a more traditional role, she still felt as though they lived as equals. He didn't expect anything from her besides love and support. That meant more to her than she could fully comprehend.

"Coffee?" Tony asked, poking his head in from the kitchen."

She shook her head. "I'm looking forward to a good night's rest."

"Ah, so no brownies then, either?"

Perking up, she said, "You haven't made those in so long!"

"What can I say? The apartment was empty without you. I needed something to keep me busy."

"Oh, then it would be rude of me to decline."

"Sure," he smirked. "I'll accept that excuse this once."

Reaching her hand out for the plate, she replied, "You better."


	9. Painting

With her clean-out package on the way to Connecticut and the start of another uneventful week underway, Angela set her focus on painting. She'd done a bit here and there her first week or two before her inspiration shifted to the knitting. Feeling confident in her stitches, she could manage both now. The warmer weather helped her muse, too. It wasn't quite Spring, however, the thaw was setting in and shaking away the winter blues. The campus property allowed for spacious views, though most of the open land surrounding led to nearby cornfields. It was something to work with and kept her away from the standard blue-period she might have fallen into back on the coast. The scenes were easy enough, too. She wasn't going to reply on paint-by-numbers this time.

One thing painting had that knitting and crocheting didn't was something to keep her mind focused. Before she knew it the afternoons turned to evenings, nearly causing her to miss her bowling meets both times that week. She didn't think about Connecticut nor New York. Her mind was wholly on brush techniques and color pallets when at her easel. She was surprised at the results. Not Monet, but better than she had anticipated from herself. Perhaps lack of distractions was the key. The last time she really tried to paint was when she was pregnant with Jonathan. Of course then all she could think about was the baby and decorating the nursery.

The memory was bittersweet. Though she didn't miss the days of diapers and sleepless nights, she missed her little boy. She realized how much she missed Billy, too. He had visited off and on since moving back with his grandmother but it was never the same. Though Tony's responsibility in name, there was an unspoken agreement that he belonged to the two of them along with Sam, Jonathan, and even Mona. Living an idle life, she thought of having another baby more often than she anticipated at her age. It wasn't impossible even if it was impractical. It didn't matter anyway. Tony's mind seemed far away from their impending marriage lately. Asking him about the possibility of children was too risky. Any comments made in the past had made him tense. She couldn't see how now would be any different. He was still hurt about losing Billy then — a wound he never wanted to admit cut him so deeply.

If only she had the skill to put these emotions on canvas, she thought. Looking at the finished product before her, it wasn't anything with depth. It was pretty, simple, and not lacking potential, but that was all. Regardless, Tony fawned over it when he got home, inspiring her to do another tomorrow. Perhaps setting her easel up outside, remembering the weatherman said it was supposed to be warmer.

She sighed, now washing the dinner dishes and glad Tony was in the other room watching television. Only a week in and she was already faced with melancholy again. Thankfully, tomorrow was the start of a distraction-free weekend with Tony.

It hadn't been a bad week, so she couldn't make sense of these Friday night blues. Being back in her social groups had made it easier to set her plan in motion. She fed off of the others and didn't have to guess so much as to the proper ways to act. Some of the ladies were beginning to feel like friends, too, for which she was beyond grateful. Different from the country club ladies but almost a welcome change. If there was one good thing she could say about living in Iowa was that the pretenses so many people in Fairfield carried out were absent. Until she'd been away from it for some time, she hadn't realized how exhausting keeping up appearances had been. These women weren't afraid to talk about her to her face, and really all that was said was remarks and bafflement on how inept she was in a traditional female role. They didn't knock her overall character or look for new sources of gossip. No, she didn't fit in, but she was welcome whether it was all for Tony's sake or not. She felt like they cared about her, too. Only a handful of friends in Connecticut and New York fit that description.

"Something the matter, Ang?"

Angela jumped when Tony nudged her arm. "I didn't hear you come in."

"I was callin' to see if you could bring me a beer when you were done."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Drying her hands, she started for the fridge before he stopped her.

"I got it," he said. "But really, you okay?"

"Yeah," she said with a laugh. "Lost in thought. I'm… I've been thinking about the bowling match coming up Tuesday."

Tony leaned against the counter. "Oh?"

Not quite sure where she was going with this, she carried on blindly. "I really want to improve my game. I think I overheard a couple of the ladies talking last night about some kind of tournament. I'm not sure when it will be or what it will entail but I'd love to be of some use."

"I thought you said your game was improving?"

"It is," she corrected, "but Tony… a step up from my usual score is still nothing to brag about."

"Hey, keep practicing and you'll be a pro in no time."

Angela scoffed, tired of hearing this canned response. "Coming from the man who has deemed my tennis game hopeless."

"That's tennis and I stand by my statement," he teased. "Think of bowling more like volleyball, just rolling the ball on the ground rather than in the air."

"Never saw it like that."

"Maybe tomorrow you and I can play a couple of games — make it a date."

Being mindful to keep her expression unchanging, Angela nodded. "Sounds like fun."

As much as she would likely benefit from Tony's pointers, the last thing she wanted to do was use her quality time with him in the same bowling alley she spent a couple of nights a week. Nevertheless, this was what she signed up for. Besides, it seemed to mean something to him even if she couldn't figure out why. She wasn't going to tell him otherwise.

Wanting to get away from the subject, she ushered him back into the living room. "I'll stop daydreaming and finish cleaning up here. Might make myself a cup of tea as well. Oh! And please be careful of my knitting. It still takes me forever to figure out to fix a dropped stitch."

"I thought you moved on to painting?" Tony questioned.

She shrugged and replied before disappearing back into the kitchen, "Variety."


	10. Coupons

"Angela, what are these fliers doing in the trash?"

Without turning from the soup she was stirring, she shrugged. "Junk mail."

"Coupons are not junk mail," Tony groused.

"What do we need those for? Between both of our incomes, we're fine."

"Aye-oh, it's still crazy to throw away money. When I was doing the grocery shopping I saved every penny I could."

Turning the heat of the burner down, Angela then turned around. "All right, I'm sorry. I'll take a look through them. They're such a hassle, though. How am I supposed to know what I'm buying at the store until I'm there?"

"You mean you don't make a list?" As she sat, he set the papers down in front of her on the table.

She shrugged again. "Only if I'm trying a certain recipe."

Running his hand down the length of his face, he said, "Explains those three sacks of flour in the cupboard."

"I'm doing the best I can. I'll start baking cookies or something."

Hearing the hurt in her tone, Tony took a breath and scooted down next to her. "Let me give you some tips—"

He only went on for ten minutes or so, but Angela tuned out somewhere after two. Something about the staple foods; butter, milk, eggs, cereal, and so on, then something about the foods you check before leaving home; flour, sugar, those things. Here and there she might have picked up something about preparing certain meals and then how to select produce. She couldn't even pretend to care. Her head was throbbing and was tired of smelling the same chicken soup that'd been simmering since four o'clock. In another hour she'd be on her way to another bowling meet and having her head pounded with crashing pins and gossip.

Resisting all urges to rip up the papers as soon as Tony finished and stood, she forced a smile and thanked him, not caring how genuine it appeared.

So the next morning was spent clipping coupons. Even in a better mood than the day before, she still found it a dreary task. Saving thirty cents on oatmeal just wasn't worth the mess or the time. Frankly, it made her miss her job, too. Typos in the ads mocked her as well as other glaring issues. What was worse was the more clever snippets. It made her wonder if she was missing too much being away for such a long period of time. The market was always changing. Making a commercial now was vastly different than it was just two years ago. The economy was different, people's needs were different, and she knew every year was one step closer to the new millennium. There was no telling what to prepare for then.

She wasn't getting younger, either. Her name and reputation would only carry her so far. As the youngest generation was growing older, she herself was becoming outdated. The 'old-timers' wouldn't stick around forever. Not without something outstanding and modern. Eventually, she would have to retire unless by some miracle Jonathan or Samantha expressed interest in taking over. This was something she hadn't considered when taking this time off, now it was all she could think about. Alas, as with every other damning thought, she was forced to bury it and push on. Wanting to move on to something else, she cut out anything that looked remotely familiar she might have seen in the pantry and stuffed the clippings in her purse.

Per Tony's request, Angela presented him with the receipt after the next grocery shop. While impressed by how much the compilation of coupons saved up in the end, she remained firm on her disinterest. What good were an extra few bucks while they were living here? The absence of department stores alone made up for any hit she was taking in her own pay.

 _No_ , she scolded herself. There was plenty to be saving pennies for. The wedding, the honeymoon… she knew better than to go beyond those two things by now. Maybe this was a good opportunity to bring the summer plans up again or at least make starting the conversation easier. Logically, she knew she shouldn't be so nervous discussing wedding plans with her finance. Nevertheless, the perturbation was there. It was something to consider, anyway.

Irrational as she told herself it was, she was most afraid of hearing that he wanted to put off the wedding again. She saw no reason for it, but she could see every day that he was a different man than he was when he proposed. A bigger fear was hearing that he wanted to stay, move west permanently and start fresh. What would she do then? Even if she could rebuild her agency from the ground up, she knew there was little need. Perhaps in one of the cities, but those were hours away. The clients were based in New York and Los Angeles. Simple as that.

But then what about Tony? It came back to what she'd been saying to him all along. He'd made more than his fair share of sacrifices for her sake and the kids'. She couldn't be selfish — she _wouldn't_ be selfish. Giving him up wasn't an option either, so keeping quiet, as always, was the only solution.

_For now…_


	11. Solitude

Angela had never given much thought to routines before. She knew she had one, sure. Coffee and orange juice, maybe some light breakfast. Work, a little shopping if there was time before her train, home, dinner, family time, sleep, and repeat. But it wasn't set in stone. Sometimes there were Parents Association meetings or client dinners. Now and again parties or some other special occasion. Sometimes it was a spontaneous night out at the movies. Dull wasn't a word to describe life even during uneventful periods of time. Her life in Iowa? It was the same every day and every week without much variation. When it was different, it was the same kind of difference. Games, meeting someone for coffee, school events and fundraisers with the same faces as there was the last time. She trudged along every day with little rejuvenation for the next because she always knew what to expect.

She was all smiles during the day. She made sure of it. If someone was in the room with her she became the new semblance of herself she'd formed. In that mindset, she felt invincible. She could laugh and joke. She'd picked up on the local lingo and areas of entertainment. She could reason that this lifestyle was temporary and with each passing day she was one closer to returning home. As soon as she was by herself again, she slipped back into a state of depression. Nights proved to be the worst. Getting through the days was dreary but possible. There were things to do. The living room, as Tony loved to point out, had become the Angela Bower Afghan Museum, complete with sets of identical artworks. Nighttime didn't come with the same luxury. He always caught on when she sneaked out of the bedroom, sometimes concerned and sometimes suspicious. Until she came up with more excuses, she was trapped laying awake for hours until exhaustion overcame her.

Soon, she confided in Candy. She spared many of the details but asked if she or anyone else could give her advice on a sleeping aid. She knew if Tony saw prescription sedatives in the medicine cabinet he'd put everything together. She took whatever suggestions were feasible. Teas, over-the-counter tablets that could pass as vitamins — only fleeting fixes. Eventually, she was forced to adjust to only getting a few hours each night, napping during the day if she could. Besides, she decided, she wasn't doing as much in a day as she used to. All of this was probably excess energy.

New sleep strategies helped the most. Weekdays, she was sure to start a project just before Tony's usual bedtime. Sometimes it was some kind of cleaning or reorganization, other times it was finding a program on TV or starting a new book. By the time she went to bed, Tony was too groggy to fully realize the time. The sense of control this gave her in turn provided with a few more restful nights. All in all, each week came with some aspect of trial and error.

Another aid was springtime. The air was fresher here, something Angela marveled in. Her daily walks got longer and longer, keeping things as interesting as she could manage by wandering off the main pathways and leaving the campus. The sky was incredible, especially at night. Who knew Connecticut had so many lights in comparison? She wondered what it might look like during the summer meteor showers. It was almost enough to feel disappointed that they wouldn't be around for it. Almost.

If it wasn't the fresh air helping her, it was the solitude of these excursions. She'd reached a point where she needed to not pretend for a while. She needed to feel what she was feeling without a filter. Sometimes it was sadness, other times anger, then some number moments. Those were the worst, not being able to make sense of anything or let the emotions out. Going back to Tony became almost impossible those evenings. Numbness turned to anxiety and every time she was sure she couldn't keep up the charade any longer.

. . .

"Geez, Angela. I've been looking everywhere for you."

Angela looked down at her watch, squinting to read the hands through the darkness. "Oh my… I'm sorry. I didn't realize how late it was."

"I expected you home an hour ago," Tony said as he helped her up. He'd been walking all over the campus, unsure if he should be worried or not. Every day she seemed more and more distant but couldn't figure out why. She was cheerful enough when they were together, but as soon as his attention was turned away (or so she thought) she grew quiet, a far-off look in her eyes. He'd asked a few times if she was okay, each time receiving the same positive answer. As much as he wanted to, he didn't push, but right now he found that to be a difficult task.

"You come here often?" He turned his head toward the cornfield, realizing after speaking that it was the same one she'd painted a dozen times.

"Yeah," she said, hoping she was hiding her disappointment in losing her hiding space. "It's away from the 'hustle and bustle'."

"You've just been sitting here?" he questioned. "This entire time?"

"Mostly."

"Any reason?"

"Just daydreaming," she smiled, giving his hand a squeeze.

"What about?"

"Ah, nothing in particular. It's supposed to rain for the next few days. I wanted to enjoy the air as much as I could."

Tony nodded despite not believing a word of it.

Most of the rest of the walk was in silence, but just as they were in sight of their building, he took the opportunity of minimum distractions to ask, "Angela… are you happy?"

More surprised than she should have been, she replied, "I beg your pardon?"

"Are you happy being here with me?"

"Of course I am."

"You're positive?"

Angela sighed. "I wish you'd stop asking me this."

"You just seem... I dunno... different lately."

"That's what happens when you move somewhere, you adapt. You change."

"It seems like more than that."

She sighed. "I admit I've been thinking a lot about Jonathan recently, but in a few weeks everyone will be flying out here and I'll feel better. That's all."

"You sure?"

Stopping him from walking further, she pressed a light kiss to his lips. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Angela. That's why I'm worried about you."

"Everything's fine. Really." She kissed him again. "Can we please talk about something else? Hey, I tried a new cookie recipe tonight. I'm not sure how great they came out though... I went too heavy on the walnuts."

Surrendering to this change of subject, Tony resumed walking with her and said after a long breath, "I'm sure they're great."


	12. Breakdown

_Come on, Bower. You can make it through one more week. One more week and you'll see some familiar faces. You can do it. Calm down._

With tears streaming down her cheeks, Angela knew this pep talk would be as hopeless as the last one. Giving up soon after, she shifted her focus to steadying her breathing. Barbra would be over to pick her up within the hour. She hoped that was enough time to ice the bags under her eyes and redo her makeup.

What set her off this time? She couldn't remember now. Something trivial, no doubt. Another passing thought that left as swiftly as it came. It didn't matter anymore. These episodes had been so frequent the past week or two she didn't spend much time on it anymore.

Pressing the palms of her hands to her eyes, she forced a few deep breaths and finally began calming down. Her legs were still trembling, though. Looking down at the knitting in her lap she noticed she'd dropped almost half the stitches in the current row. It'd been looking good, too. It always showed when she went back to fix a mistake, and now it would be a reminder of yet another collapse.

"To hell with it—" she slurred, picking the yarn up in one fist and throwing it across the room. "To hell with all of it!"

"Angela?"

She swung around in a panic. "Tony..." Running her sleeve over both cheeks, she steadied her voice. "I thought you had practice tonight. You're home early."

Rushing over to her, he said, "A good thing, too. What's the matter? What happened?"

Ignoring him, she asked, "What happened to practice?"

"Don't change the subject. Why are you so upset?"

Feeling herself slipping, she thought quickly. Eying the discarded knitting, she opted for a half-truth. "I messed up the afghan I was working on."

Tony stared at her, hoping the real reason was written on her face but saw nothing. "That... that's it?"

"It was going well. I know it's stupid but I'm just in a mood today." Her voice shook.

"I'll say."

"I'll be fine, I promise. You caught me at a bad moment." She stood. "I need to freshen up before I leave. I'm sorry I don't have dinner ready."

He pulled her back down on the sofa. "Angela, tell me what's really got you upset."

Hands trembling, she grasped for anything plausible. "Just... hormones. I think."

"Are you pregnant?"

"Of course not!"

Raising an eyebrow, he said, "Hey, that's not an unreasonable assumption. We ain't exactly been careful. That would explain why you've been acting so weird."

"I'm not pregnant."

"Okay..."

"I mean it, Tony," Angela murmured. "I'm just having a bad day. I honestly have no idea why."

"Well... if you figure it out, will you talk to me?"

She fibbed again, this time by nodding her head.

"Look," Tony started, wrapping an arm around her. "You're in no shape to go out tonight. Practice was canceled because we're due to get a lightning storm. Better you should stay here for that reason alone. I'll make dinner and you can relax. We can find an old movie on TV and open a bottle of wine. Better yet, I'll run out and rent The Way We Were. How's that sound?"

Before she could realize her actions, Angela was shrugging out of his hold and staggering to her feet again. "That all sounds lovely, but I think I need to get out of the house for a little while."

Hurt evident in his eyes, he questioned, "Are you sure you're up for it?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I really do need to fix my face. My ride will be here soon."

"Can I get you anything before you go? Something to eat?"

"No, thank you," she said as she hurried toward the bedroom. "I'll eat at the alley if I get hungry."

Tony said something else in response, but Angela was walking too fast to make out the words. Locking herself in the bathroom, she pushed her back against the door. When she looked up, she saw herself in the mirror; hunched over, pale, eyes swollen, hair a mess, and face gaunt. The sight brought on fresh tears. She didn't recognize the woman.

This was _her_?

When did it happen? That was the only thought in her mind now. She swore she didn't look so bad this morning. Tired, but not what might be considered as sickly. She stopped crying quickly, too focused on her reflection. No wonder Tony kept asking her if she was okay. Smiles and a cheerful disposition couldn't hide this kind of evidence.

And then it hit her.

She'd run in here to get away from Tony. She was about to try and hide her face with as much foundation and eyeliner as it took to look presentable and go spend an evening doing something she hated just so she could get out of the apartment. He was ready to pamper and comfort her and the thought had done nothing but upset her more. She'd recoiled at a simple touch. And what for? He hadn't done anything wrong. Nothing at all. Not five minutes ago and not the last few months. This was the kind of attention she always hoped to get from him when things got busy. Yet, she felt angry with him, as if he had intended to interrupt her time alone and catch her in a weak moment. For this, she refused to indulge in what she'd consider the perfect evening any other day. This scared her, but not enough to stay put for the night.

Putting on her brave face, she pushed through to the bowling alley. Her mind, though, was not on the game to the point she let Rosie play her frames. Guilt around leaving Tony with little explanation intensified. She knew he was worried, yet she left without even saying goodbye. Surely he was going to put something together whether it was the truth or some other assumption she'd have to prove to him wasn't true.

He didn't deserve this. Of all the times he put his life on hold and made room for others the worst that showed of it was some burnout. This wasn't burnout. It was deterioration both mentally and physically. It didn't make sense. This was temporary and the end was in sight. Why was she choosing now to break down? They were so close. If she came clean to him now, what was the point of smiling through the past few months? It didn't matter, though. She never wanted to admit she wasn't able to support him.

"Angela, you look like hell," Barbra said as she sat down next to her. "You should be home."

"I know," she sighed.

"Come on, I'll drive you back."

"No," she said too quickly. "No, it's okay. We can wait until the game is over."

"You're not even playing."

"Tired, that's all."

Unconvinced, Barbra questioned, "Fight with Tony?"

Shifting uncomfortably in her seat, Angela answered, "Not exactly."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. He wanted me to stay home, too."

"So why didn't you?"

She shrugged. "I've been cooped up all week. I wanted a change of scenery."

Barbra rolled her eyes. "Excuses like this might work on the men but I'm not buying it."

Angela turned her head.

"You're unhappy here, admit it. It's clear to all of us."

Not hiding her frustration, she answered, "This would not have been a choice I made for myself, no. But I'm not here for myself. I'm here for Tony. You know that."

"You've got to talk to him, Ang."

Angela scoffed. "And say what? That he needs to move back East because I'm bored? That's not fair to him."

"Just let him know what you're going through. He'll understand."

"I know he will. That's exactly why I can't tell him." She shook her head, bringing her fingertips to her temples. "I've got a splitting headache. Maybe I should go back to the apartment after all."

Realizing further argument was a lost cause, Barbra pulled out the keys and shot a couple of the other women a knowing look. Without further discussion, they changed their shoes and scurried to the car through the rain.

. . .

Angela entered the apartment with a sigh, kicking herself for leaving in the first place. Granted, space had cleared her mind a bit, but that wasn't worth the emotional hangover she was suffering through now.

"I'm home," she said as she locked up for the night. Tony still insisted on keeping everything open, but she wasn't in the mood to wake up tomorrow to company.

She didn't think much of it when Tony didn't respond, assuming he was invested in whatever was playing on the television. Once she was closer, she noticed he was asleep.

She felt a mix of relief and disappointment. After some further conversation with Barbra on the way home, she wanted to be near Tony. At the same time, she didn't want to discuss her day any further. After standing in the same spot for two minutes just staring, her need for him won out. Moving around to the front of the couch, she snuggled up next to him, putting his closest arm around her shoulder.

Tony stirred, feeling Angela and adjusting his arm so it was tighter around her. A few more seconds passed before he remembered where he was.

"What time is it?" he asked, his throat dry.

"Only a quarter past eight," Angela answered. "I came home early."

He sat up a bit. "Are you all right?"

"Tired," she shrugged. "And I felt bad for leaving the way I did."

"It's all right."

"No, it's not."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," she answered. "I just want to put today behind me."

"You'll feel better if—"

"Tony, please. Not tonight."

Not wanting to alienate her any more, he gave in. "All right... all right."

"Thank you." She rested her head against his chest. "I just want to be here next to you."

Leaning back against the cushions again, he kissed her head and wrapped his free arm around her as well. "Whatever's going on, it will get better. I promise, sweetheart."

Silent tears sprung to Angela's eyes as she nodded. She wasn't so sure anymore.


End file.
